The Play's the Thing

Because of the last post, I was forced to remember a rather humilating, embarrassing, and funny experience from when I was in my class' 3rd grade play. We were doing something about historic figures from New Jersey or some shit like that. I don't remember. I just remember that I wanted to be Molly Pitcher and I wasn't. I also remember that my best friend was the Jersey Devil.

Who was I? Fuck if I remember. Some little old lady. I remember that much because I had to sit on a rocking chair and pretend to knit. That rocking chair was to be my downfall.

It was a tiny chair. I wasn't a large child, but I knew there was no way I could sit comfortably in that chair. It was tiny. Meant for a toddler or a toy, not an 8 year old. The teacher told me to sit in it anyway. It was only for a few minutes and then I could get up and go take my seat in front of the stage. If only things had gone that smoothly..

I sat in that chair. I rocked. I knitted. My knees were obscuring my furious knitting, but I was an actress and the show, she must go on. I followed my cues. I was good, dammit. Too good for this shoddy production! Then I went to get up, pick up my chair, and take it down the stairs with me. It should've gone that way. Instead, it went something like this: I tried to get up, but the chair stuck to my ass. My ass, people. Not only that. I couldn't get the damned thing off. I tried to suavely wrestle the blasted thing off and move towards the stairs. I'll let you in on a secret. You cannot suavely wrestle anything off your body! So, while wrestling, I nearly fell down the stairs. I turned my fall into a stumble and make my way down. Once my feet touch the floor, the chair pops off my bottom and I nearly tumble over. I caught myself on a classmate. I set the rocking chair firmly down and rush over to my seat, head down and thoroughly embarrassed. Everyone is laughing at me. Who is laughing the loudest?

My mom.

Yep. There she is, in the front row. Her face red from laughter. She nearly fell off her seat laughing at me. Her daughter.

And they wonder how I turned out like this.